I have a diagnosis of bipolar 1, with psychotic features. This resulted from long term perinatal mood disorder, that is, it started in pregnancy. I have committed to abstain from mind-altering states. This wasn’t always the case. I chased mind-altering experiences for spiritual gratification until I was in spiritual crisis.
I researched occult and New Age practices, releasing kundalini through yoga. I used meditation and music intended to alter my mind and mood. I used cannabis to self-medicate and check out and into other aspects of what I thought was my own personality. I thought that through using pot I was channeling my higher self. I thought that getting in touch with my higher self was what it was all about; that it would bring me closer to God. This higher self isn’t my higher power. Jesus is. Please allow me to share my story.
When I was a young child I discovered, through reason and observation, that the highest calling was to seek God. My family didn’t regularly attend church, however, in the few days that I was attending a neighbors Bible study two things happened to me. First, she said that we should try to spend at least 5 minutes a day with God. So, in my child-like way I thought, why just 5 minutes? And dedicated my whole life to God; good, bad, and indifferent. Second, I heard the Bible speaking to me as she was reading. It said, “It’s your turn.” And I argued with it. “How can that be? I should go last.” To which the voice said, “there are no more, you are the last.” I didn’t understand the exchange. I didn’t understand why I should go last, maybe it was humility. I was about 7 years old. However, this exchange was remembered years later after my child was born and I had become psychotic from my esoteric practices.
I used this to fuel my psychosis and build me up into a special status on the earth. A false Messiah, Christ incarnate. I was convinced of this for 20 years. When I was “properly medicated” I functioned normally, for the most part, in society. When my medication wasn’t working well, things went pear shaped quickly. I was hospitalized so many times for mania and psychosis that I lost count. And considering that I thought that all these experiences were important to building my story, “My Scenario”, that’s significant because I created a special binder for each stay, initially, anyway.
However, now, 20 years later, I have experienced a miracle. Jesus has healed the psychosis of my mind. I have sworn off yoga and the new age and no longer look for signs that I am the second coming of Christ. The medication only suppressed my actions, it never stopped the thoughts. However, it was the sacrifice of 20 years of pain and suffering for me and my family and friends that created such regret that I repented and came to Jesus explicitly. The enemy had a field day in my life for so long, and now that’s over and I am so grateful have Jesus in my life.
The Life I Have Lived 