I wasn’t going to get into these details, yet. I suppose it was inevitable, considering the name of my blog site. Let me just say that ‘insanity’ is a legal term, not a medical one. So that saying that has been (wrongfully) attributed to Einstein about doing the same thing over and over expecting different results being the ‘definition of insanity’? No, that’s the definition of Hope. If you do the same thing over and over and you HOPE that the results change, ‘oh, please, just once’, you’re in Hope-Mode. Insanity, legally speaking, is being so out of your mind manic and psychotic with some fugue states thrown in to really mix you up and confuse the police chasing you (and once they’ve caught you, even though they know who they are pursuing), THAT is the definition of insanity, legally speaking, based on the ‘guilty except for insanity’ plea. [I’m not a lawyer, don’t hold me to it]. The ‘clinical’ or ‘medical’ version of this definition is ‘bipolar 1 with psychotic features.’ WHY am I telling you this?? Because I KNOW that the DSM5 thinks I’m totally BONKERS. Now THAT is NOBODY’s definition by my own. I am, however, rational, lucid, and calm. [not to mention ‘heavily medicated’, but that’s not REALLY where I was headed in this post although I have been walking in these shoes long enough to know that ‘what God gives you in tribulation he gives you a voice for,’ so I’m not so proud to hide my own stripes.] I’m also a bit scared.
You see, I have this Scenario that I’ve been living with most of my life. It got rather intense after the birth of my son in 2003. The bold fact of it hasn’t really left me since then.
I read the Bible. That is, I’ve read most of the Hebrew Bible [Old Testament]. And I just started reading the Gospels. I read more than one interpretation / translation, and the amplified version so I can get greater meaning. I follow the Greek and Hebrew words and names. I’ve looked into some codes and numerology and the Hebrew gematria. I really want access to that Bible code that finds your name in there, however, I digress.
My Scenario, that describes my purpose from God on earth gets into high gear when I read and interpret the Bible. Some people have asked me ‘why do you read it?’ The greatest pursuit in Life is to become better. The best pursuit is knowledge of God and God’s domain, mind, heart, and soul ~ the Kingdom of God and Eternal Life. Science is fun and sometimes it even pays the bills, but it’s selfish materialism and devoid of Life. God is Life and seeking God through science is happy, however, not Nearly as Joyful and Completing as seeking God through His/Her/Their Word. Pardon the usage of multiple gender and pluralisms, however, God is too big to be contained in one gender. Elohim referred to ‘we’ and ‘our’. And pardon tossing science into the discussion because that materialistic pursuit isn’t helpful because ‘reason’ and ‘rationalism’ will not bring you to God’s door. There has to be a leap from reason to faith. If you have faith before you attempt to use reason you might be better off. However, if you’re coming from a reason or rational point of view to begin with, when you get to that jumping off point for faith, God help you in your landing. THAT is where I’m at.
I’ve made the transition from reason to faith. I have a degree in science, both hard and soft; I had a relationship with God before I was educated in the atheistic, secular world. However, I was never formally educated in God’s Word until I sought to do so myself after 2003 when my psyche [Gr: soul] was ripped apart. It was during perinatal mood disorder, for some reason we call it ‘post-partum depression.’ I was not depressed, at first. I was psychotic, manic, and in fugue states. For years. Has it ended? I do not know.
The Bible speaks to me. Not out loud as it did when I was a kid. I committed my Life to God at that time. And now God is firmly in my Life, again.
I have this Scenario. And I’m beating around the proverbial bush because I don’t want to tell you that I had this delusion, that’s the DSM5 word, that I was God. I’m not paranoid. Even though I do believe that earth is planar, as it says in the Bible and quite a few people have taken it upon themselves to prove, even though they aren’t university-educated physicists or NASA engineers. Note that the enclosed earth community is quite friendly and fascinating. However, they aren’t interested in the more dangerous fruit, that the Bible has been right all along, Jesus was, is, and will be the most famous person of interest of all and any age. And we are, literally [in the literal meaning of the word], waiting for God to return to earth in the flesh. Not just Christians, although they seem to think that we are the only ones waiting for God to come back.
So you see, here’s the thing I carry, based on my Scenario, my pledge to God, perinatal mood disorder, bipolar 1 (with psychotic features) and being whacked out of my mind with mania, psychosis and a tad of fugue, fleeing from the police that one time; several years ago, weeping, I went to several doctors, distraught, because I thought that I was God. Yes, it sounds silly now that I’ve typed it, too. Whew. Thanks. Journaling is very helpful. Several people have asked me, ‘if you’re delusional, and you think you’re God, why do you go to church and read the Bible?’ ~ as I said, there is no higher pursuit in Life [than finding God]. If I’m merely ‘insane’ God can and will cure me. This is one of The Promises of AA, which I also have complete faith in. You can think I’m a total kumquat-brain if you like, it’s none of my business what you think of me.
However, you’ve read this far so something drew you here. I’m just trying to be a better person, maintain my Life in the world, and maybe show a few people something interesting in the midst of some really, shatteringly-turbulent times; the apostasy and the war for your soul. Come to the Light Side, we have Life. And Life Everlasting. Just ask me what that means because I Know. And, pardon my rancor, screw the DSM5 straight to the dustbin, bunch of White Guys with Ties trying to tell us what to believe and what isn’t ok to think. WhatEVER!
The Life I Have Lived 